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Like The Changing Of The Seasons, So Too Must Lindsay Lohan’s Probation Be Revoked. Allegedly.

Lindsay Lohan's probation allegedly revoked

Like the changing of the seasons, the slow creep of the tides, the tick of nature’s eternal clock, so to must Lindsay Lohan‘s probation be revoked as part of the universe’s unending dance through time. In case you were still pondering the question “Will Lindsay Lohan’s fender bender land her back in jail?,” the answer is allegedly a resounding yes. TMZ had originally claimed the Santa Monica City Attorney would file charges against Lilo for falsely claiming her assistant Gavin had been driving when her Porsche slammed into a truck this summer. Now the site reports that, uh, well, that is actually happening right now.  Allegedly. TMZ claims that L.A. County Superior Court Judge Jane Godfrey will allegedly revoke Lohan’s probation and set a full hearing for a later date. This is all too depressing. We can’t even enjoy fantasizing about the couture pantsuit we know Lindsay will bust out for the occasion.

In case you lost tract of why Lindsay Lohan was even on probation to behind with and why this is still going on, the answers to those two questions are “That time Lindsay stole that jewelry for no perceivable reason” and “God only knows, our friend. God only knows.” As far as we can tell…it’s just the way of the world.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

Lindsay Lohan Refuses to Read Reviews for Liz & Dick

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Actually, Lindsay refuses to read any reviews of her work. It might be because the last time she got a positive review was when she was in Parent Trap, but regardless, that’s her stance. She claims that negative reviews “take away from her experience” of filming, which is ridiculous, because all her bad reviews do is tell the truth.

Do you want to know why we’re talking about this right now? It’s because the very first review came in for Liz Dick. And it’s a doozy.

Let’s check out some of the highlights:

The Lifetime movie starring Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor is half train wreck, half “SNL” skit.

It should come as no great surprise that Lifetime’s Liz Dick movie starring Lindsay Lohan is spectacularly bad.

Lohan is woeful as Taylor from start to finish. But, whatever you do, don’t miss Liz Dick. It’s an instant classic of unintentional hilarity. Drinking games were made for movies like this. And the best part is that it gets worse as it goes on, so in the right company with the right beverages, Liz Dick could be unbearably hilarious toward the tail end of the 90-minute running time. By the time Lohan is playing mid-’80s Taylor and it looks like a lost Saturday Night Live skit, your body may be cramped by convulsions.

The talking part doesn’t turn out so well for Lohan. There is not one minute in this film where she’s believable.

At one point, Lohan has to shout, “I won’t live without you!” and then run down a hall. It’s like a high school play. She then tries to kill herself with booze and pills. If this starts to seem like a good idea to you, it’s time to switch the channel.

Lohan as Taylor was a bad idea in the dramatic sense, but it’s pure genius both for marketing and for belly laughs and drinking games.

The review also mentions that the movie has these interview breaks, where there’s not an actual story happening, just Lindsay doing interviews to the camera as Elizabeth Taylor. This movie is going to be amazing.

We’ll all be watching this, right?

Now Let’s Watch Christina Aguilera’s Performance at The AMAs

I always think it’s so interesting when a person with a real talent for something screws up. You know what I mean? Like if Lindsay Lohan, who has a talent for doing drugs and committing crimes, was seen turning down meth and truthfully reporting the incident to a nearby police officer. That would be interesting, right? You’d want to see that.

That’s the reason that I’m showing you this video of Christina Aguilera performing at last night’s American Music Awards. She is a person with a real talent for singing, but in this video, she’s not good at it. Interesting!

But this whole thing is a mess, isn’t it? It doesn’t sound good, like at all, and it’s just this weird collaboration of awful and embarrassing. I mean, she’s allowed to have an off night, but it’s like everyone who was involved with planning and designing this performance had an off night, which is a lot less common.

But did you love it?