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15 Comfortingly Outrageous Quotes From The Jersey Shore Season Premiere

If you watched the two-hour Jersey Shore season premiere last night, one twelfth of your entire day was spent watching Deena cry and Snooki be pregnant. It felt good, right? Familiar? Call us clinically insane, but having the gang back under one (well, maybe two) dysfunctional roofs for a final season felt right to us. Considering the cast was so comfortable, they didn’t give a second thought to the words coming out of their mouths, we assume they must have felt the same way.

  1. ” A toast? GTL!” The Situation
  2. “If he starts with me again, I’m going to go into premature labor.” Snooki, when considering The Situation.
  3. “The pregnant bitch is here!” Snooki, arriving to the shore house.
  4. “It smells like we left it!” Deena, arriving on the shore house.
  5. “Now we can fight in peace.” Ronnie, joking about finally getting a separate room with Sammi.
  6. “You know you’ve been doing this a long time when every girl I’m like, ‘Oh I smashed her, I smashed her…’” Vinny, upon returning to Karma.
  7. “I think so. Jionni said he tasted milk.” Snooki, on whether she was lactating yet. Hoo boy.
  8. “He gets abducted. He definitely gets abducted. He’s the girl version of Nicole.” Sammi on Drunk Ronnie
  9. “Rule #667: You cannot sex have with a girl that’s on her period unless 1) it’s your girlfriend and 2) it’s your girlfriend for a minute.” The Situation
  10. “Me and Jionni should be friends. We’re Eskimo brothers, bro!” Vinny, on making friends with Snooki’s fiance.
  11. “Eskimo brothers are when you hook up with the same chick…A lot of us in this house are Eskimo brothers. We all are!” Pauly D, being gross
  12. “No shame. Good integrity.” JWoww’s new motto
  13. “People can just go to school at a bar. It’s like a class.” Deena, trying to determine the different between integrity and shame.
  14. “I don’t think I’m miserable tonight.” Sammi
  15. “I’m drunk and it makes me smile.” JWoww

We’re already excited for next week.

[Photo: MTV]

The Season Premiere Is Tonight! 5 Questions We Want Answered In Jersey Shore‘s Last Season

The season premiere of Jersey Shore is tonight at 10/9pm Central, ya’ll! It’s been six seasons and three years in the making but it’s almost time to bid Snooki and the gang adieu. Luckily we have the next couple months to get a truly satisfying conclusion, because we have quite a few burning questions we’d like the last season of JS to answer. Ew…what? No, no, we said burning questions. Come on, people! It’s not like we’ve been using the smush room.

  1. Will Ronnie and Sammi end up together? Three years into their relationship, we never actually know if Ron and Sam are actually dating. Last we checked they were smooching out, but it seems like at any moment we might learn they’ve been single for four months. Snooki’s engaged, JWoww is engaged…are these two going for it or what?
  2. What is The Situation like sober? The last season of Jersey Shore might be the first season that has us spending a significant amount of time with a sober Mike. According to his interview on Ellen yesterday, the Sitch is allegedly eight months sober. Will he be a completely different human being and roommate? We can’t imagine he’d be more likely to let JWoww’s dogs poop all over the house…
  3. Can Deena pick up Snooki’s wastey pants mantle? The pressure is on, girl! With Snooki out of the game with a bun in the oven, Deena is the shore house’s resident party person. The fact she was cited for a “failure to use the sidewalk” during filming is promising, but how far can the Jersey Turnpike take her?
  4. So…does Snooki give birth on camera? Or at least go into labor on camera? Are they going to use baby Lorenzo as a coda to the series at all, or save his little baby star power for the second season of Snooki JWoww? They’re probably going to do the latter, aren’t they? Man, they just keep reeling us back in!
  5. Where is the drama going to come from? Snooki and Jionni are happy. Ron and Sam are at peace. The Situation is sipping exclusively on Gatorade. Everyone else seems to be relatively content with their lives/millions upon millions of dollars. If no one is going to fight and/or break into hysterical tears…where will the drama come from? At this rate, we’re going to need all of Pauly D‘s one-night stands to be over-the-top characters just to keep the show moving along! Actually…yeah, we’d be more than okay with that.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

JWoww Denies Engagement Rumors; We Could Not Be More Relieved

JWoww Denies Engagement Rumors

We almost inhaled our protein powder this morning when we read a rumor claiming JWoww had gotten engaged to long-time love Roger Mathews. According to the New York Daily News, the Snooki JWoww star and her manfriend have been affianced “for a while,” but kept their betrothal mum in order not to draw attention from the arrival of Snooki‘s baby Lorenzo. Hmmm, a Jersey Shore star not wanting to steal focus? Yeah, doesn’t really add up to us. As it turns out, the story didn’t add up to Jenni either. “Ummm me and ‪@RogerMathewsNJ‬ are not engaged!!! Hopefully one day but don’t believe the bs reports,” JWoww tweeted after being peppered with congratulations. We, for one, are glad JWoww cleared things up. After all..have you seen her relationship with Roger on Snooki JWoww?

Okay, look: obviously the only two people who know the true nature of a relationship are the two people in that relationship. That being said, everything JWoww and Roger do is recorded and put on television along with a dubstep soundtrack, so we’re pretty sure we’ve got the basic idea. Based on the first season of Snooki JWoww, Jenni and Roger fight almost constantly over the smallest things. Seeing as how fights can be edited to look longer and more intense, we would be remiss if we didn’t point out that Roger constantly and loudly complains that they haven’t had sex in months…and JWoww jokingly confirms that he’s right. On television. We want every Jersey Shore castmember to be happy in his or her own way, but we don’t know if these two are ready to take the plunge. Maybe we can start with Deena getting married, and we’ll work our way up from there, okay? Okay.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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